I Can’t Diet

Confession: I have intentionally been under-eating for the last 2-3 days in hopes of shedding the 10 lbs I had gained from previous binges. However, I CAN’T DO IT. 

My mind is COMPLETELY occupied by planning out all the things I’m going to eat when I lose the 10 lbs.

 

Well, the more I think about how I shouldn’t eat a cookie, the more I want to eat it because it’s on my god damn mind!

As a result, when I am in a “diet” mentality, my caloric intake I think is ironically higher as a result.

I have mentioned that focusing on weight has been completely disastrous in the past, so I don’t know why each time I think I can change miraculously. I CAN’T because how little I was trying to get away with eating is not even compatible with basic survival, and I need to accept that.

 

After eating a tiny salad for lunch, I was super hungry when I got home from a day of studying. So I binged. I really contemplated purging, but then I thought about how tomorrow is going to be the same thing all over again if I continue to starve myself….So, instead of beating myself up for it, I was okay with the binge. I told myself that I had barely eaten ANYTHING all day so no shit my brain is going to tell me FOOOOOOOODDDD LOTS OF IT PLZ!

In fact, after my binge session, I allowed myself to eat the damn sugar cookie I had been eyeing all day while studying at La Madeleine. I kept telling myself, “nope, not until the 10 lbs is gone fatty. SOON if you just stay strong for a little longer!”

 

Of course, lots of eating disorder thoughts were running through my head after the binge+cookie. The urge to estimate how many calories I ingested, and thoughts of how my entire day’s worth of dieting was so quickly ruined! BUT each time I tried to remind myself, I REALLY CAN’T DIET.

 

And today? I had yet another sugar cookie for breakfast. Because I’m not dieting and I just felt like eating the cookie. I am just having faith that by relying on my hunger cues, the weighty issues will work themselves out. Hopefully.

And if it doesn’t? Well, I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it….

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “I Can’t Diet

  1. i’m really proud of you for resisting that urge to purge. that is a huge step forward and you should be really proud of yourself. it’s true that binging is so often the body’s way of fighting back after you have abused it by depriving it for so long. by not depriving yourself, it’s the first step to beating a binge.

  2. Pingback: I Don’t Want Diabetes | The Annie Hall

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s