Confession: I have intentionally been under-eating for the last 2-3 days in hopes of shedding the 10 lbs I had gained from previous binges. However, I CAN’T DO IT.
My mind is COMPLETELY occupied by planning out all the things I’m going to eat when I lose the 10 lbs.
Well, the more I think about how I shouldn’t eat a cookie, the more I want to eat it because it’s on my god damn mind!
As a result, when I am in a “diet” mentality, my caloric intake I think is ironically higher as a result.
I have mentioned that focusing on weight has been completely disastrous in the past, so I don’t know why each time I think I can change miraculously. I CAN’T because how little I was trying to get away with eating is not even compatible with basic survival, and I need to accept that.
After eating a tiny salad for lunch, I was super hungry when I got home from a day of studying. So I binged. I really contemplated purging, but then I thought about how tomorrow is going to be the same thing all over again if I continue to starve myself….So, instead of beating myself up for it, I was okay with the binge. I told myself that I had barely eaten ANYTHING all day so no shit my brain is going to tell me FOOOOOOOODDDD LOTS OF IT PLZ!
In fact, after my binge session, I allowed myself to eat the damn sugar cookie I had been eyeing all day while studying at La Madeleine. I kept telling myself, “nope, not until the 10 lbs is gone fatty. SOON if you just stay strong for a little longer!”
Of course, lots of eating disorder thoughts were running through my head after the binge+cookie. The urge to estimate how many calories I ingested, and thoughts of how my entire day’s worth of dieting was so quickly ruined! BUT each time I tried to remind myself, I REALLY CAN’T DIET.
And today? I had yet another sugar cookie for breakfast. Because I’m not dieting and I just felt like eating the cookie. I am just having faith that by relying on my hunger cues, the weighty issues will work themselves out. Hopefully.
And if it doesn’t? Well, I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it….