I Don’t Want Diabetes

I’ve been thinking about my diet. I mentioned that I don’t do well with restriction, so I’ve been eating whatever the heck I’m in the mood.
That means 99% sweets and carbs galore. Sweets/breads/pastas used to be a huge fear food, so after much deprivation, they’re ALL I want to eat now.

I think allowing myself to eat lots of carbs for awhile was necessary for me to overcome my fear of them. However, now that I’ve gotten over my fear, it’s perhaps time for me to STOP EATING THEM EVERY SINGLE MEAL.

I don’t mean cutting them out completely, but just adding in some leafy greens and proteins…since I eat those maybe once a week lol.
Just because I’m not obese does not mean I’m not predisposing myself to type 2 diabetes with a diet consisting of mostly sugar.

However, as someone with an eating disorder background, it’s tricky to be healthy physically AND mentally simultaneously. It’s quite easy for me to slip into obsessive behaviors and use healthy eating as an excuse to restrict once I proclaim I’m going to eat more healthy.

So, how do I plan to eat healthy while working around eating disorder tendencies?
I’m not going to weigh myself or scrutinize my body in the mirror. Not for awhile (TRY to at least).

I do not intend to restrict or lose weight, but if I DID see my weight drop as I incorporate more healthy foods in my diet, it will be really easy for me to get a high from the lbs shed and start obsessing over how I can lose more weight.

I’m no where close to being free of eating disorder thoughts, but acknowledgement is the first step right?

Aside from that, my long term goal is to eventually be able view food as FUEL and separate any connection between food and body image. But that will no doubt require a tremendous amount of effort, as I’ve trained my brain to automatically make the association for so long now….

How do you view food? Can you separate the association between food and weight?


8 thoughts on “I Don’t Want Diabetes

  1. it is so hard for me to try to watch myself on eating “too much” of a food group, for my health, and not fall back into disordered tendencies. i’ll think to myself, it’d be healthier to eat an apple than a processed sugar snack right now. then i question myself. do i really want an apple and am not eating it because i “shouldn’t” from an ED mindset? or a true concern for my health? if only recovery were easy! at least you aren’t restricting altogether and are aware of the potential to slip back into restriction. i think not weighing yourself or staring in the mirror are great steps. i haven’t weighed myself in 2 years and i never want to again! the thought of doing so scares the shit out of me. however i am working hard to break my mirror body checking addiction.

    • I also find it difficult to not scrutinize myself in front of the mirror, but since I live with my boyfriend, I try to wake up and leave the house the same time as him to prevent myself from lingering in front of the mirror for too long. I highly recommend this approach if you have a room mate.

      It also helps that my bf doesn’t have a full length mirror. If you’re feeling particularly bold, that could be another strategy to help shake the habit.

      It makes complete sense to me why staring in the mirror for too long would induce insecurities and unhappiness- if you stare, there will ALWAYS be something to pick on. Minimizing mirror time is how I maintain my security about my face. If I spend longer than a second looking, I start noticing things that would otherwise go unnoticed, ie pores, acne scars, etc

  2. Pingback: Thoughts On My New Eating Habits | The Annie Hall

  3. I actually eat dessert every night too. I used to deprive myself for so long and, like you, its really all that I want right now when I’m re-fueling.
    During the summer I would literally get soft serve every night too!
    I mean, I don’t think it’s THAT bad for you…I don’t know if frozen yogurt or something is any better…?

    • NOT that I’m an expert or anything, clearly I’m the opposite, but I LOVEEEEEEE frozen fruits as desserts! My favorites are frozen grapes and frozen bananas. Either eat them straight from the freezer or blend it up with a splash of milk then it becomes soft serve! Bananas contain some fat so it comes out creamy!

      MY OTHER method is to eat something REALLY REALLY rich. Usually after a few bites I’m like bleeehhhh too sweet, too creamy! no more please!

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