today was one of those days where I just needed to break down and cry.
Trying to work hard and learn as much as I can, please my residents and attendings all day long, while maintaining friendly work relationships with my team mates is emotionally draining! …so I came home and cried today.
sometimes I cry because a cocaine addict patient tells me about his shame, guilt, feelings of worthless and habit of self isolation- all which resonates with me strongly, because it sounds EXACTLY like all the things I’ve felt while being depressed.
sometimes I cry because I want to work hard but also want to be liked by my classmates…and it’s often a fine line. and trying to do it jussstttttt right, walking on egg shells all day, is jut so so emotionally tiring.
sometimes I cry because I’m physically EXHAUSTED having to be on call a lot- that’s staying up for 28 hours straight every 4 days.
sometimes I cry because a patient who was COMPLETELY functional, after experiencing a seizure, they have all the symptoms of a stroke patient, i.e. needs to wear a diaper and help for everything. But, that’s not even the worst part. The part that gets me the most, is that since the doctors can’t offer any medication that will reverse the brain damage in this seizure patient, all they are able to offer is empathy and care. Yet, the doctors and residents don’t give a shit. All they want to do is get the patient out as soon as possible. THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS SETUP A NEUROLOGY CONSULT AND REFER THEM TO A PHYSICAL THERAPIST AND SPEECH THERAPIST, YET YOU DON’T- INSTEAD YOU REFER THEM TO THEIR PCP SO THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH A BAZILLION TIMES GREATER HASSLE TO GET SOME CARE. so fucking frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!! But, i’m just a med student, what can i do? my job is to be the resident’s bitch, not advisor.
sometimes I cry because I only get a pass in clinic, or I get asked a bazillion questions I don’t know by the residents, or my classmates know a lot more than me….and I get worried that I’ll be a terrible doctor….so I go home and cry.
sometimes I cry because I worry about whether I’m going to match anywhere for emergency medicine, when this is all I want to do.
so, lots of crying in med school so far. I just try to let it ALL OUT and just bawl if I need to, wipe away the tears, listen to some music or take a nap to relax, then get back to it….because med school is what I want to do.
so, I’ve done my crying to do, now I’m getting back to it..